If I Never Knew You
by Tatsumaki-sama
Summary: Sesshoumaru contemplates what would have happened if he never knew Rin. SessRin.


**Disclaimer -** I don't own Inuyasha or any of its characters. Or the song "If I never knew you" by Jon Secada and Shanice from the movie Pocahontas.

_**I hope that I didn't make Sesshoumaru too OOC or anything like that. I wanted him to be as realistic and in-character as possible. If I did make him OOC, please tell me. I would appreciate constructive criticism. Enjoy the fanfic!**_

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**If I Never Knew You**

Demons don't get along with humans. That was a fact. I, Lord Sesshoumaru of the Western Lands, is living proof of that. I hate humans. They are greedy, pathetic and weak things compared to us demons.

My father, as strong and powerful as he was, fell under the spell of a mere mortal woman. His love for her blinded him and made him weak. It was because of that woman he was dead.

Same with my half brother, Inuyasha. He was born from the immorality my father and that human committed. Just like my - his father, he fell in love with a human priestess and he was sealed for fifty years by her, only to fall in love with the reincarnation of the dead priestess.

Love makes them weak. It robs them of their sense and causes them to make foolish decisions. By loving others, it would only to lead to your own destruction.

Fortunately, I had no love in me. I loved no one.

It was the way I am and I aim to keep it that way. I don't need love in order to survive this cruel world I live in. All I need is power and the fear in others. There is nothing else needed or wanted.

I swore to myself never to fall for the same trap as my father and my half-brother.

_If I never knew you  
If I never felt this love  
I would have no inkling of  
How precious life can be_

I was wounded by my filthy half-breed of a brother, who used the Wind Scar on me when he shouldn't have mastered it.

But he did.

Why did my father give him the Tessaiga and not me? Why was I left a sword that cannot kill? I should have inherited Tessaiga, not Tensaiga. Tensaiga was virtually a useless sword. It cannot kill or cut. What was the point of Father giving it to me?

That's when I met her.

She was a thin, scraggy creature at first sight. She wore a ragged kimono and her black hair was filthy. I could smell fear from her. Who wouldn't be? After seeing a big, bad youkai like me.

She tried to get closer to me. Either she was curious or plain stupid.

I snarled at her. I don't need pity from anyone. Especially a human.

But she didn't back down. This girl ... she was unlike any I have seen before. She approached me when others would have fled. She even offered me food when it was clear that she needed it more than me.

Something rose up within me. Compassion? Sympathy? I don't have things pitiful things called emotions. I don't _need_ emotions.

One day, when she came by, I noticed there were bruises across her face. Her lip was swollen and one of her eyes was snapped shut. I couldn't help but feel curious.

" What happened to your face?"

She just looked at me in surprise, not really expecting that question. Her mouth opened slightly, trying to speak. But the words wouldn't come out. Was she mute?

" You don't have to say if you don't want to." Why was I being nice to this human? Normally, if I want an answer, I'll get an answer. Instead, I was being - the word left a bitter taste in my mouth - kind to her.

But she smiled at me. Why though? All I did was ask a question. A question about her.

It was shortly after I had regained most of my strength, when Jaken had found me and we were on our way to leave this forest. That's when I smelled blood and the scent of wolves coming from the direction that girl went too.

I wanted to see if she was all right. But it conflicted with my prideful self. Sesshoumaru, Lord of the Western Lands, worried about a little human girl? Now that was unheard of.

She was found, lying a pool in her blood, her eyes blank and dull. I knew she was dead.

" She was killed with one bite," Jaken informed me. " Sesshoumaru-sama, did you want something with this human?" Even he was curious as to why I came to find her.

" No," I replied coldly. I turned to leave.

But for reason, I felt as if I could not. My legs wouldn't move even though I urged them to. I kept seeing that smile. The cheerful smile even though she was beaten and bruised.

" Sesshoumaru-sama?" Jaken asked tentatively as I pulled out Tenseiga.

The sword's whispers guided me. I could see the creatures of the other world, surrounding the child, preparing to take her. With one slash, I destroyed those things.

Jaken spluttered in confusion behind me. To him, I only cut air. I kneeled, gathering the girl in my arms, waiting and watching.

Surprisingly enough, the girl stirred and opened her eyes, staring at me.

The splutters from Jaken became more pronounced. I placed her down and began to walk away. I distinctively heard Jaken mumble, " That human brat is following us."

There was no need to turn around. I could hear her soft movements and laboured breathing as the girl ran to catch up with us. My thoughts were too occupied to care at the moment.

I had just saved a human.

_And if I never held you  
I would never have a clue  
How at last I'd find in you  
The missing part of me_

Sometimes, I liked being in my demon form. Because that's what I truly am. A demon. Not some human. That was only my disguise.

Usually, at night, when the moon is out, I would transform. My body lengthened. Hands become paws. Fur sprouted over my face. Eyes turned a blood red colour.

I reared my head back and howled. My cry echoed across the plains. The wind was cool and breezy this night. The stars looked like droplets of diamonds in the sky. All was silent and peaceful.

Suddenly, there was a snap of a twig and I whirled around.

The girl stood there, her eyes wide and shocked. She looked as tiny as an ant compared to me, now that I was in my true form.

For a moment, I dared not move. Would she be frightened? Would she be ashamed that she had travelling with a bloodthirsty monster all this time? I was surprised to learn that this emotion I was feeling was fear.

Instead, she did the absolute opposite. " You're beautiful, Sesshoumaru-sama," she whispered.

I couldn't help but snort. Many demons would call me that. Rudely. Tauntingly. Mockingly. As if they were trying to insult me.

Not like the way she - her name, I later found out was Rin - said it. The way she said it, made me feel comfortable and almost in a trance. As if Rin was weaving some spell over me. Which was impossible ...

Slowly, I walked towards her, kneeling to allow her tiny hands to reach out and stroke my muzzle. Her hands were soft and delicate. I hated to admit it was quite soothing, feeling her hands run back and forth through my face.

Without warning, I threw my back, tossing Rin up into the air as well. A yelp of surprise was halfway through Rin's mouth when she landed on my back.

I began to race through the plains, the wind rushing past my face. Only a whooshing sound could be heard as I galloped across the fields. When we reached a cliff, I took a leap.

Now the wind was blowing from below. I could barely hear Rin's delightful cry. " We're flying, Sesshoumaru-sama! We're really flying!"

Her laughter was more refreshing than any breeze.

_In this world so full of fear  
Full of rage and lies  
I can see the truth so clear  
In your eyes  
So dry your eyes_

Her eyes snapped open, her scream silent in her lips. Tears brimmed in her eyes but she held them back. She squirmed and twisted underneath her blanket, waiting desperately for sleep to claim her again but it did not.

Little did she know I was watching her. Through the slit of my eyes, I watched, tense with concern and forced calmness. A demon lord doesn't go running up to little girls and asking if they were all right after they had a nightmare. They just don't do that.

I conflicted whether I make known to Rin that I was awake. It wasn't my fault she had a nightmare. Why should I care? She should be able to handle it on her own. When I was her age, I had no one to hold me when I had nightmares.

It was none of my business. Or was it?

Unwillingly, I opened my eyes.

Standing before me, was a little girl, with tear-stained eyes and looked quite pitiful. " Rin can't sleep," she whimpered.

At first, I said nothing. Except stare back at her. Finally, I sighed in defeat. I shifted my body sidways, leaving room just enough for Rin to sleep on my fur, right next to me.

Her eyes visibly brightened. She crawled into my lap and curled around the crook of my arm. I felt her warmth brush against my coldness. It felt strange. Feeling warm for once.

" Thank you," Rin whispered before falling asleep.

Her thanks meant more to me than it was actually credited for.

_And I'm so grateful to you  
I'd have lived my whole life through  
Lost forever  
If I never knew you_

" Sesshoumaru-sama!"

Instinctively, I lifted my head up to glance at Rin's way. And in her hands, was a wreath of flowers of multitude of colours.

The annoying stench of that plant reached my nose. Frowning, I looked down at her when she reached me.

" Rin made you a flower crown," she happily said, brandishing the - the thing at me, the smell nearly overwhelming me. " Do you want to wear it?"

If anyone else had suggested it, I would have slashed and hacked them to pieces. Have you seen any demon wear such things in your life? I felt like gagging and simply walking away from her so I wouldn't have to live with the embarrassment.

" Please?" Her eyes shone with an innocence that only she can pull off.

How could I resist such a look from her? " Do what you want," I told her, knowing full well that I was going to regret doing this.

Rin giggled, climbing up to my shoulder and placed the flowers in my hair. I noticed she was extremely careful. As if she wanted the flowers to look perfect in my hair.

I was really getting too soft.

_If I never knew you  
I'd be safe but half as real  
Never knowing I could feel  
A love so strong and true_

I hurried towards the clearing. Already, I can hear the frightened cries of children and monks chanting. My worry for Rin mounted. It was almost like that time the Shichinintai had kidnapped her to bait me to go to Mount Hakurei. The very thought of it boiled in me, adding oil to the fire in my demon blood.

I skidded to a stop when I saw that monks had arrived and vanquished the demon that had kidnapped and lured children to him, including Rin.

One of the monks entered the cave and I heard the laughter of the children being rescued. The very sound of it gripped me painfully. What if Rin didn't want to come back with me? What if she was happier with them than with me?

Rin never asked to come with me. She was just a tag-along. Someone who follows. Did I ever asked her what she wanted? What she needed? No. I didn't. It was her free will to go where she pleased.

Hidden in the shadows, I watched the monk come out of the cave, carrying Rin. Her protests compelled me to act but I forced myself to stay where I was. Perhaps things are better this way.

" I heard enough, little girl," the monk said firmly. " You're coming with us."

" Let me go!" Rin yelled, twisting in the monk's grasp. " Sesshoumaru-sama will come for me!" Her cries for me became more pronounced. " Sesshoumaru-sama! Help me! Please! Sesshoumaru-sama!"

At last, I couldn't bear it any longer.

The monk holding Rin sensed my presence and threw a dokko, a type of holy weapon into the forest where I was hiding. There was a blinding light and a resounding boom. " Ungai-sama!" one of the other monks cried out as I appeared out of the smoke.

Rin's face lit up upon seeing me. " Sesshoumaru-sama!"

" Children, hide in the cave," Ungai ordered, as they stumbled to obey his command. He glared at me. " This demon needs to be dealt with."

To me, they were more of an irritation than a threat. I continued to walk forward, not stopping for any of their pathetic tricks. The only thing that actually worked was binding my feet together.

Ungai thrust his staff into the ground, shouting, " Be gone, demon!" A powerful energy hit me. Of course, it wasn't strong enough to stop me, but it did try to force me to change into my true form.

My hackles were bare and my eyes turned red. I could my demon blood pulsing strongly, calling me to transform. The bloodthristy side of me agreed. What better way than to show these monks what a real demon can do?

But if Rin saw me like this, what would she say?

Instead of transforming, I merely used my youki to destroy all the prayer beads and the staff. Rin and I left together from the clearing, leaving the monks.

By the time the sun had risen, we had found Jaken, who was staggering in exhaustion from his search. Brusquely, I sent him off to find Ah-Un.

" Hey, Sesshoumaru-sama." I turned around to see Rin crouching by some gravestones.

" What is it?"

" If Rin should ever die ... would you please not forget about me?"

Of all things to hear from her, I did not expect that one. I fought hard to hid my astonishment and failed. " Don't be foolish," I told her gruffly, walking away from her, with her trailing happily behind me.

How could I not forget about Rin?

When I see her during the day and in my dreams.

_I thought our love would be so beautiful  
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright  
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong  
All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night  
But still my heart is saying we were right_

Rin needed to buy a new kinomo, as her current one is now above her knees. Her legs were showing a little bit too much, which attracted a little bit too much attention from demons.

Not that I really minded.

If I could use one word to describe who Rin really is, I would say she was beautiful. Both inside and outside. Long eyelashes. Silky smooth hair. Kind, gentle eyes. Creamy coloured skin. A childish yet mature face. A musical laugh. A heart big enough to cover all of the lands. She was everything a young woman should be.

Long have I felt the urge for her to be near me. I wanted her to be with me. I _needed_ her to be with me.

At times, I would check her glancing at me with the same longing as I would to her. Somtimes, at night, I would find her curled next to me, using the excuse that she had nightmares. Now, that she was taller, her strides could match with mine and I deliberately slowed down, just to savour the moment with her.

Nothing had to be said, though there were secrets between us, things left unsaid and kept hidden. What they were, I preferred to keep them hidden. If they were said, I feared that they might ruined what Rin and I had build up over the years.

Rin went to town alone, as I and the others waited for her from the distance. I strained my ears and focused my eyes only on her. Even from this far, I was able to keep track of her. The villagers seemed to accept her. Good. If they didn't, there would be one very angry demon waiting. However, my pleasure was short-lived.

A young, handsome man, a child compared to me, was walking beside Rin. What he said, I couldn't not tell. Though it did made Rin blush.

Jealousy began to raise uncontrollably. How dare that human go near Rin. She wasn't something to be oogled at and examined as if she were on a display. I bristled at the thought of the boy getting close to Rin.

Even Jaken and Ah-Un avoided me, for my anger was rising considerably each moment Rin was with that boy. I nearly snapped in exasperation when the two of them entered the clothing store. Together.

Was this what father felt when he saw the many suitors with that human princess he loved? Did my half-brother get jealous when he saw another man with that reincarnation? Was this called falling in love?

There was confusion naturally. I wasn't suppose to love. Yet here I am, falling head over heels with a human. Like a lovesick puppy.

" Sesshoumaru-sama!"

There she came, in her new kinomo of pale blue and green. Her long hair was tied back in the traditional way women usually do it. She suddenly looked more beautiful than ever.

" What took you so long?" Jaken growled impatiently.

" I'm sorry, Jaken-sama. But the store was crowded," Rin explained. " And Rio-kun was helping me pick a good kinomo for me."

" Rio?" I repeated, suppressing my groan. He even had the same first letter as her.

" Yes. Rio-kun was really nice to me," Rin continued on, not noticing my annoyance. " It was he who picked this out for me." She twirled around, giggling. " Do you like it, Sesshoumaru-sama?"

Anything that he chose wasn't my taste. But for her sake, I silently nodded and began to walk away. The faster we were away from the village and _him_, the better.

She, at last, sensed my unease and peered curiously at me. " Is something the matter, Sesshoumaru-sama?" she asked.

I continued walking, ignoring her.

" What is it, Sesshoumaru-sama?" Rin asked again. " Something has been troubling you since I came back from the village. " First she was oblivious. Now she was prodding too close for my comfort.

" Enough now, brat! If Sesshoumaru-sama says it's nothing, then it's nothing!" Jaken snapped to my defence. For once, I was grateful.

" But I want to make Sesshoumaru-sama feel better!" she retorted. How do women, especially human ones, find the strength to be so defiant and stubborn?

" He doesn't need your help!"

" He does!"

" What do you know about Sesshoumaru-sama?"

" A lot more than you."

Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I turned around, halting them in their tracks and in their conversation. " If you want to stay here, then stay," I told Rin curtly.

She was surprised at my sudden outburst. Jaken stared, open-mouthed at me. Ah-Un swivelled their heads back and forth, clearly disturbed by the tension.

There, I said it. I felt sickened and disgusted that I was feeling this emotion. This horrible, wretched feeling that made me feel cold and hot at the same time.

The very cause of my agony stared at me blankly. Finally, she spoke. " Rin likes the village ..." she quietly said, almost hesitantly.

My insides felt like they were being squeezed and crushed. I was clenching my fists so tightly that my claws dug deep into my palm, pain blossoming from my hands. Not that I cared. I needed to feel something. Anything.

A part of me wanted to destroy the village but the reasonable part of me told me if that was where Rin was happy, I'll just have to live with it for the rest of my life. Which was a long, long time.

" Do as you wish," I said indifferently, walking away. Each step I took farther away from Rin, the more painful it became.

It occurred to me that this might be the last time I would see her cheerful smile, the last time she would put flowers in my hair, the last time I would hear her sweet voice calling out my name, the last time I would love another person.

When I heard Rin's voice again, it successfully stopped me in my tracks. " ... But I like Sesshoumaru-sama more."

I whirled around. It hit me like a sledgehammer. So she chose me over him and the village. Inside, I knew I shouldn't be this affected. Then, why was I feeling this fluttery feeling in my chest?

" I want to stay with Sesshoumaru-sama forever," she said, taking a step towards me.

Suddenly, I felt threatened by her. Which was ironic, as I was usually the dominant one and Rin was the obedient one. I withdrew, blinking owlishly at her, which was quite the sight. " Forever?" I found myself asking her.

Rin smiled, looking more bolder. " More than forever," she declared, getting closer to me.

My mind screamed warning signs at me. Yet I was frozen on the spot. " And Rio?" I just had to ask.

She shrugged, her eyes never leaving mine. " I care not."

" Why?" Why was this happening? Why was she doing this to me? Why was I letting her do this to me?

Standing next to me, Rin reached out and touched the side of my face. I flinched and delighted in her caress. " It's not a sin to care about someone. But it would be a sin not to love." Funny how it seemed like just a few days ago, she was a little girl, crying for her parents. Now, she was a wise, old sage lecturing me.

" Do you love me, Sesshoumaru-sama?"

The kiss that swept her away the next minute was the only answer she really needed.

_And if I never knew you  
I'd have lived my whole life through  
Empty as the sky_

Never have I dreamed that I will be here. In my heirloom, the Western Lands. In this grand mansion. In this bed. Lying next to Rin.

She was my love. My beloved. My sweet. My wife.

Rin awoke at my slight movement. She blinked sleepily and smiled at me. " Is it morning yet, Sesshoumaru-sama?" she asked, her voice soothing as she covered a yawn from escaping her lips.

I nuzzled her soft hair. " No. Not yet," I told her.

My sharp hearing was able to catch a langrid sigh from the room next to us. Our precious children lay sleeping there. One day, our oldest will become the Lord of the Western Lands after me.

In a way, Rin and I balanced each other out. I taught our children the ways of my kind, of fighting and the pride, while Rin taught them to love and to be human, as that is part of what they are. The oldest, Ryoken, the twins, Harumi and Tatsuya, and the youngest, little Amaterasu all somehow found a way into my heart, just like how their mother did.

" Do you want me to go wake up them?" Rin asked, sitting up.

" No." I pulled her back down to the bed. " Wait a little longer."

I kissed her shoulder and neck, reducing her to giggles. Her arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer. My hands were intertwined in her long, dark locks, nearly vanishing from my view. Her lips, so rosy and dainty, pressed against mine. Our bodies were so close, that I could hear her beating heart.

In harmony with mine.

" I love you, Sesshoumaru-sama," she whispered.

If I never knew Rin, I would have never known that I loved her.

_Never knowing why  
Lost forever  
If I never knew you _

" I love you too."


End file.
